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ost people think E3 only exists to show off the boldest and brightest innovations within our industry, but it offers many other possibilities — namely, the chance for gaming companies to throw away thousands upon thousands of dollars on pure spectacle. Regardless of their financials, publishers will stoop to anything to generate red-hot E3 publicity, and this unfortunate trend has provided some of the most memorable travesties throughout the convention’s short history. Sure, these public embarrassments give us website writers valuable material to hash and rehash ad nauseum, but what about those multinational, billion-dollar corporations? On that melancholy plane ride home, their representatives can’t help but mull over their continued public humiliation and the slight decrease in density of the money piles they sleep on.

Rest easy, publishers; E3 doesn’t always have to result in the 21st century equivalent of the pillory. Following these five simple tips is all it takes to keep your dignity, reputation, and bottom line intact. And when the Library of Congress starts archiving animated .gifs — a horrifying possibility — your press conference won’t be immortalized in an easily spreadable format.

Don’t Hire Celebrities

Yes, it may seem tantalizing — who wouldn’t want to rub elbows with Hollywood’s finest while generating some buzz for a new product? This would make for a fine prospect if celebrities could fake enthusiasm as well as they cash paychecks. Even Paul McCartney couldn’t muster up enough motivation to spit out his goddamned piece of gum during the two minutes of banter required of him at Microsoft’s 2009 showing. And you don’t have to be a worldwide legend slumming for alimony payments to make a poor E3 showing; D-lister and walking virus Jamie Kennedy combined recreational drugs and a subpar Pauly Shore impression at E3 2007 to create one of the most cringeworthy press conferences since Budd Dwyer‘s. In summation, celebrities: they don’t care, and apparently you can’t pay them enough to do so.

Ensure That Your Company Rep Has a Grip on Reality

To this date, Sony’s 2006 E3 conference made for one of the most shameful E3 showings, though the lack of flop sweat on Kaz Hirai seemed to indicate differently. As Sony’s rep ebulliently beamed about the virtues of Ridge Racer, viewers worldwide could only wonder when the men in white coats would appear to interrupt this poor man’s episode. Yes, Sony hired him to cheerlead, but his extreme sense of delusion made us all a little uneasy. Publishers, at least try to make your disinformation plausible, since one peek behind the curtain reveals advertising as the horrible vortex of lies Satan designed it to be. Start with little white lies about things like backwards compatibility and DRM-free releases, then show us a gauntlet of expensively produced trailers — they’re the perfect chaser for statements with so much spin.

Ask if Your Product is as Exciting as You Think It Is

People gazed at Nintendo’s E3 2008 conference as they would a Magic Eye poster, though unfocusing your vision while staring at someone Keith Mooning over a set of virtual drums does not give this image any more significance. This event quickly became A Joke on the Internet, and went from hilarious to irritating in a record time of seven hours — not the best mark on Nintendo’s record. So, before you waste everyone’s time, ask yourself, “Will anyone actually care about this thing?” And be honest: is your game a terrible vanity project from a producer who had his last good idea during the Clinton administration? Another cynical sequel being churned out by a restless staff? Something involving unwanted and awkward Move or Kinect support? Adjust its presence in your presentation accordingly.

Spectacle is Stupid

What do a Canadian Circus and yelling at obstinate voice recognition software have in common? Nothing; but that didn’t stop Microsoft from forcing a group of E3 2010 attendees to don iridescent garbage bags and watch an entire performance from the Cirque du Soleil. This bizarre Kinect promotion has only grown more ridiculous in the two years since Microsoft’s showing, as the feelings of awe and wonder inspired by the CdS did not inhabit the company’s new technology — instead, it’s merely increased the amount of shouting and bad dancing in living rooms worldwide. Listen, I know other forms of media often outdo our own when it comes to yearly events; E3 has nothing on the Super Bowl or The Oscars. But while those people spend millions pulling Steven Tyler out of cold storage for what he hopes is his last performance, we in the video game industry don’t necessarily have to pay big bucks or play god to gain the attention of the right people. Let your games speak for themselves, and always understand that your conference might be going off the rails if it involves a live elephant.

Avoid Comedy at All Costs

Comedy inherently involves calling out hypocrisy and stupidity, so none of it can possibly exist during an E3 press conference. But often, companies opt for low-calorie imitation humor, last seen in Ubisoft’s 2011 conference with a certain character named Mr. Caffeine. The host of the event seemed more used to the corporate retreat circuit, since most of his jokes felt like they could easily win over a group of half-drunk, middle-aged executives (Wayne’s World references age like fine wine). But a mob of informed video game types? Mr. Caffeine did not win this crowd over. Each and every terrible joke fell out of his mouth like a dying bird, forced to breathe out its final seconds on the stage in front of a silent and belligerent crowd. Publishers, please keep all of your comedy unintentional; as we have learned thus far, it’s these moments what will make you the talk of E3. But for all the wrong reasons.

Bob Mackey

1UP associate editor Bob Mackey only attended one E3 so far, but it provided enough embarrassing moments to last a lifetime. This year, you can find him with a satchel of rotten fruit, primed and ready for any potential Mr. Caffeine performances.